Have you ever felt, well, just sort of down about stuff? I mean, look what’s going on in the world. It leads me to question everything I believe.
I had a session with my Spiritual Director today. I had accumulated a couple of pages of notes on why is the world so incredibly evil sometimes? Is it driving me to despair? And on the faith side, am I present to Christ? I know He is for me, He’s always been there, but am I showing up for Him? Is my faith real? Or is it just a belief that I hold onto? Total negout stuff, you know the drill “All is lost”, “the world sucks”, “I have no faith”, “there’s no hope”…just total negativity. All rolling around in there. It’s not an all the time thing, but it does happen sometimes.
You see, when I graduated from Yale Divinity School in ‘97 I felt so close to God. Emotionally, physically, intellectually. I was in total awe. It was wonderful, and entirely understandable given the 4 year intense faith experience I’d just had. Since then there’s been some lessening of that feeling. The world has had its way with me and left me down at times over some of the terrible things that happen out there. These mass killings…where is God in all of that? I don’t like feeling this way. Life is beautiful too. I want hope to be my touchstone.
Anyway my Spiritual Director (yes I have one too) framed it like this: “This is perfectly normal. Lots of people experience this, you’re not alone.” Then she went further, and this really got me: “Maybe your questions are an invitation. From the Spirit. To dive deeper into your heart and soul to find out who you really are, and what your faith is really about?”
Well, that pretty much blew me away. She does that. An invitation…. what would that be like? A thought? A feeling? Well, of course, it IS a feeling: I feel separated from God, from Jesus, sometimes. But maybe I don’t have to stay in that state. It’s not mandatory, it’s a choice. The thing is she said, “the way out, is in”. How easy we forget.
Ok, I know I can do this because I have. I want to always feel Christ by my side, standing right there with me. Sharing my joy, my suffering. Therefore I choose to dig deeper, in the Spirit, in me. I will go through this, not around it. I will reach for the Spirit in me. These things take time, but I’m in for the journey.
How are you feeling today?
Blessings to you.